Teriyaki Terror: My Bizarrely Negative Review of a Japanese Restaurant

So normally I'm not THAT picky about the places I go to eat, I think -- I like the place to be clean, the food to be free of gristle, and the service pleasant and prompt. I figure most establishments could accomplish this with some decent hiring practices and a somewhat competent management staff.

Recently, a previously-closed restaurant that I used to frequent is now open "Under New Management." It used to be one of my favorite places for quick, healthy teriyaki food at a decent price, but even under new management I will never set foot again in that place, for one reason:

About 18 months ago, I went by the place. I hadn't been in a while, since I had found another teriyaki place a bit further away that didn't have any gristle in their chicken and it was worth heading to (I'm a stickler about chicken -- one bad experience with chicken at a place and I'm a veggie or steak guy from then on). But I was in a hurry and thought I'd give this place another try. It was later in the lunch period -- maybe 2 or 3PM -- and so when I walked in the place was empty.

I stood at the counter for a few seconds, which feels like minutes when you're waiting for someone to come take your order. I waited a bit more, and then peeked around the corner to try to get the attention of someone that I was there and would like to actually spend money at their store. At first, I didn't see anyone, which was strange. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw some movement on the floor...

There was a regular-sized person that appeared to be wrestling a "little person" on the ground of the kitchen. Actually, it wasn't much of a wrestle, more like a headlock on the little person -- kind of like Rocky Balboa's lock on Thunderlipps (Hulk Hogan) in "Rocky III" where Thunderlipps is reaching for the ropes to pull himself up. Anyway, normally you either get one of two noises in a situation like this (or at least I'd expect one of two noises -- it's not like I've seen a lot of wrestling matches and submission holds on the floors of eating establishments): laughing, as in "we're goofing off and this is fun if a bit unhygienic" laughing, or yelling, as in "someone call the cops because I'm being robbed or killed or something here" yelling.

What I got was absolutely no noise. No laughing, no yelling, not even the squeaking of sneakers on the tile floor in the kitchen. It was definitely the weirdest thing I'd ever seen in any quick serve restaurant (the weirdest thing I'd seen at any restaurant was a cold, dead, alcohol-soaked pigeon on my plate in Hong Kong but that's a story for another day). I had to make a quick decision, and so I did the following:

• I quickly surmised that these were both employees at the store -- I had been served by the little person previously, and I thought I recognized the other from the kung-fu grip that she'd had on my credit card before and the matching polo shirt that is the store's attire. So I figured that at the very least this was not a robbery or murder of some sort (perhaps it was too soon to judge that, but oh well -- I'm no Matlock here people)
• I was not going to make any noise to alert them that I knew they were there. I had already cleared my throat or made some sort of noise (like I'm in the woods and letting the cougars and bears know I'm coming down the trail) so they were either too engaged in their struggle or just couldn't hear me -- either way, I felt it best if I just slowly backed out of the place and left. I remembered that they didn't have one of those beeping motion sensors when people come in and out of the store, a good thing or I would have had to book it once I left the store to avoid being recognized as the patron in such a strange situation.
• I determined that I was never going to eat at that restaurant or its sister restaurants across the Western US. In fact, I don't think I would even go back to that location if it totally switched to a Thai restaurant or something like that. Once you see two people wrestling on the floor of the kitchen, it's like seeing a ghost or something... you just leave the place be.

Out of curiosity, I went by the place on my way to Quizno's later that week, and it was closed under "Winter Hours" (really? Winter Hours? Are you a beach towel shop in Lincoln City or a teriyaki store in Tualatin?), and soon after it was closed for good.

What's the moral of the story here?

• If you see two people wrestling on the floor of a restaurant's kitchen, don't say anything and slowly back away. It's just better for everyone involved.
• If you own a restaurant, don't let your two employees wrestle on the floor of the kitchen, or you'll lose business.

I'm no Aesop, but I'd say those are preeeeeeeeety darn good guidelines. You're welcome for the tip.