How I Won Miss USA

How, you may ask, does a husky, masculine and (dare I say) devastatingly handsome man such as I win Miss USA? You probably asked yourself that when you read the title of this entry, and you should pat yourself on the back for asking such a good question -- it's because of those smarts that you're my friend or family member (or other blog-stalker, you KNOW who you are). I'll answer.

A few years back, a benign break from a board game at my friends Gilbert and Nicole’s house turned into a full-fledged contest. The venue? Miss USA. The object? Guess the judges’ choices for Top 15, Top 10, Top 5 and Miss USA. We thought we'd just amuse ourselves by watching the introduction of each state winner, but we were enjoying ourselves so much that soon after all the introductions, we abandoned the board game and pieced together a rudimentary scoring system for the pageant. Yes, I’m sure at some point we thought to ourselves, “what in the world are we doing? C’mon, are we SERIOUSLY enjoying this?” But we were. Gilbert in particular had some choice lines that I won’t repeat here, but sufficeth to say he spoke his mind on the contestants and who should be moving on to the next round. A guilty pleasure? Most certainly, but if being pleasurably guilty is wrong then I don’t wanna be right. Since that first contest we’ve done a few others, including Miss Universe last year. Classic.

This year there was a real effort to make the scoring equitable – you see, in years past (OK, maybe just last time) I did an incredible job of selecting the Top 15 and the Top 10, only to lose the overall contest on points since I didn’t select the exact order of the winners correctly. I, being the patriot I am, called out for reform and freedom, for the audacity of hope that some day my proper evaluation of hotness would be… well, properly evaluated (my engagement to my lovely fiance Jessica has since confirmed to one and all that my hotness evaluation is top-notch, but that's too sappy and besides the point). So we had fancy scorecards and a printed-out scoring system.

So how did I do? I won. No, not just won. I KILLED. We missed the Top 15 selections thanks to an extra-long Blazers game, but I called 8 of the Top 10 and all five of the Top 5. And when it really counted, I came through with Miss Texas to win it all (she looked like a mix of Rhianna and Beyonce, so I called her "Rhionce"). I don’t know if we counted up the final score, but rest assured I wiped the floor with the others. In fact, below are three scorecards for your perusal. Enjoy:

This is my tremendous work -- notice my "good gaze" comment next to New Jersey, she won me over with that. I actually picked South Carolina to win it all, because she was hot but also because she was on the "Amazing Race" which is one of my favorite shows:

You may noticed that Jessica's is a bit wrinkly -- that's because she was so upset with the inane judges (in her defense, one of them WAS Joey Fatone) that she crumpled her paper and hurled it at me. The emotional pain hurt more than the physical when it struck me... :) Good effort honey! She liked Miss Tennessee a lot, using the term "like a Barbie doll" pretty much every time she mentioned her.

Gilbert did quite well in the Top 10, getting 9 of them right. He promptly collapsed in the Top 5 after talking trash to me -- don't EVER give me a reason to come after you Dewey! You can tell from Gilbert's many cross-offs that he struggled with some of his choices. He's a tough emotional nut to crack, so you rarely see the manifestation of Gilbert's inner turmoil in writing so vividly as you see below:

In the end, a good time was had by all and much hilarity ensued. I'd say we're all winners by having a good time, but then I'd be lying.

The Miss Universe pageant is in August, time to train! Early money is on Miss Venezuela.