Those who have known me for a long time know that I just plain don't like melons. I'm not exactly sure why or if it started at a specific time (like my 10-year boycott of mustard when I once put too much of it on a hamburger, but that's another story for another time), but it's even become a more violent, proactive dislike for the dang fruits. Why, you ask, would I openly despise not just one fruit but an entire phylum of them? Because they have taken over fruit salads and cocktails and changed the assorted fruit landscape as we know them.
When I go to a restaurant and I'm thinking about the healthy choice of fruit, I have to ask what fruits are in their mixture. Without fail, it's mostly canteloupe, watermelons, honeydews or some other strange type of melon I've never heard of, topped off with a whole one (usually seedfull rather than seedless) grape and a lonesome, often uncomfortably bruised strawberry. As you can tell by the tone of this paragraph, I don't eat a lot of fruit at restaurants unless they bring me some apples or oranges to gnaw on.
But today, quite spontaneously, I made a change. I was sitting on my flight from Denver to Portland (after a 4-hour overnight layover in Tulsa, long story on that one) where I was tired enough to use some of my upgrade certificates on United to get into first class. They served breakfast on the flight, and when the attendant asked me which meal I wanted I was still half asleep and somehow agreed to an assorted fruit plate without subjecting her to a CIA Rendition-type interrogation on the elements thereof. I should have known, however, that this assorted fruit plate would not only be dominated by melons but would be exclusively and entirely melons. (At that point, why not just call it an assorted melon plate? Just don't get my hopes up with assorted fruit, it's like a video store offering a wide assortment of movies when all they stock are the "Ernest Goes To..." series. But again, I digress...)
What a dilemma -- no other real option for the meal besides a scary omelet-type concoction that I swear I saw move on its own on the guy's plate across the aisle. All melons. And I am hungry. So what did I do? Well, I'm proud to say that I made a conscious decision to EAT THE MELONS. My inner dialogue went like this: "Dave, for many years you've taken a strong stance on eating melons. At times, you have violently opposed their tyrannical rule over assorted fruit plates. But is it rational? Does it make sense anymore, Dave? You used to hate broccoli and asparagus -- now, you gobble them whole as long as they're cooked right. There was even a time many years back when you thought 'Lost' was overrated, and you were way off on that point too. Why not just TRY the melons again with a fresh perspective, and see how they are?"
So I did. I ATE THE MELONS. Not all of them, but I ate all the watermelon pieces and a few of the canteloupe-type ones. Sorry, it's been a while so I'll need to bone up on the melon classifications again. Don't get me wrong, I will still choose a good pear or berry over any melon, but I consider this a decent first step towards an unimaginable reconciliation with the Gwen Stefani of the No Doubt fruit assortment collection.
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